Ready to get up and fight this now
It takes a lot of me to write this, but I have to get it out. I'm tired of acting, so yeah. Enjoy reading confessions. If you hate me, I'd suggest you not to read this and just click off this page and do something with your life.
So lately I've been feeling really down and really depressed for some personal reasons and I don't know if you know it, but I call Justin "my angel". Well yeah, there's a reason for that.
See I don't know if you know it, but last year I was diagnosed with deep depression because of some personal issues. And I've had a lot of suicidal thoughts in years now. But on the outside I've always been faking it, acting like I'm happy. You know, a smile hides a lot. But the thing is, I haven't been happy in YEARS.
I'm a really hyper and smiley person all the time, and I really like it that way, but then if I'm annoyed or sad one day, everyone is like shocked. People think I have a perfect life, but you know, NO ONE can have a perfect life, no matter who you are. But you know, everyone expect me to be so happy and cheery all the time, but lets face it, not even I are that strong. I might be strong, I might be able to handle a lot of shit, but I break too. I'm not perfect.
Yeah but so Justin always manages to keep me alive. Like literally, he keeps saving my life, over and over again. And now lately I've been worse than ever, thinking about dying every day. As soon as someone's not around me I'm thinking about dying. And guess what Justin does?
He tweets the EXACT things I need to hear.
I'm so damn happy that Justin came into my life, and I know for sure that God put him in my life to save me. I owe Justin everything for just keeping me alive, and keeping me strong. You know, when I feel like everything's falling apart, he sings to me that "Everything's gonna be alright." And you know what? I believe him.
Everything will be fine somehow and I'll be happy again. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but one day everything will be fine.
I want to apologize to my friends who reads this and gets to know this now. I didn't tell you, because I didn't wanna worry you. I feel guilty because of my thoughts. I'm sorry.
And I wanna thank all my friends who has been here for me through everything.
Thank you Lintso, Ensu, Emppu, Louise, Heidi, Ida, Ronja, Saara, Mikku, Sarah, Jade, Tiia and everyone else. I love you guys to death. And even if some of you haven't really known HOW bad this all has been, you've still been here for me, praying for me. So thank you.
And again, I'm sorry if I'm not perfect. I'm sorry if I might break. But scars make us who we are and the scars that I have just shows everyone that I'm still alive, still staying strong. And I'm ready to put the razor down, I'm ready to start fighting again. But yeah, I might break, I might cut at times. But I'll win this fight. I WILL.
To get this all out here is probably the best thing I've done in my life. Keeping shit inside just really breaks me, and right now I need people to know how I am, not the fake me. I need people to know that I might not always have a smile on my face, because I'm ready to move on and fight this now. And that takes a lot, but I WILL win this fight. And then I need people who cares and knows what I'm going through.
And now I'm finally ready to get up and try again, because everything's gonna be alright<3
(Thank you to the people who created Crosspoint, not that they're reading this, but without crosspoint and the prayers that I've got from people, I wouldn't be here. So this is just me writing out my thanks to someone who won't even read this. But thank you.)
